1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m
sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my
electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first
replies ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
But why?’, they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’
he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer.’
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen
Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to
raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to
‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they
didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.
9.. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this
is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.