After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from
Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.  He boarded the train
and found an empty seat.

At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him.

The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow doesn’t
look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this
district.  If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is,
after all, a Jewish district.

But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I’m
the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow .

Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet,
and Jews don’t need special permission to go to Samvet.  But why would
he travel to Samvet?  He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there.

But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?  Aha, only two – the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.  But since the Bernstein’s are a terrible family,
so such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet?  The Steinbergs have
only daughters, two of them, so maybe he’s their son-in-law.

But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest , and
Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah’s
husband.  Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.

But if he came from Budapest , with all the anti-Semitism they have
there, he must have changed his name.  What’s the Hungarian equivalent
of Cohen?  It is Kovacs.

But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special
status to change it.  What could it be?  Must be a doctorate from the
University. Nothing less would do.

At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man
and says, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr.  Kovacs?"

"Not all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you
know my name?"

"Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, that they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

I got stopped for speeding yesterday.

I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat…

A lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy…so the lawyer asks if the Jew would he like to play a fun game.

The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The elderly Jew doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Jew’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with us Jews..

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That’s no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

According to new law that goes into effect Jan 1, 2010 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a ‘hands free’ adapter..

I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone.

Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all.  I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity.
Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Let me know if you want one.

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on — and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: ‘No, no, no, for the Son of God?  There’s no charge!  However, may I ask for a small favor?  Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?’

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein’s shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: ‘Jesus, Jesus, look what you’ve done for my business!  Would you consider a partnership?’

‘Certainly,’ replied Jesus ‘Jesus & Finkelstein it is.’

‘Oh, no, no,’ said Finkelstein. ‘Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.’ The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful — and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.  A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
4. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes in-verse.
20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
22. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

I thought you would enjoy a bit of "little known" history of the FORD motor car.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowsef, Norman, Himan and Max invented the car air conditioner.
On July 17, 1946 the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that they had the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited the four brothers into his office. They refused and instead asked Henry to come to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car where it was about 130 degress, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car down immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to his office where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would take $2 million, but wanted the recognition by having the label "Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dash board of every car in which it was installed.

Now the old man was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to allow the name Goldberg on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and just their first names would be shown.

And so, to this date, the names Low, Norm, Hi and Max are shown on all Ford air-conditioners.          

So now you know.

The El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, and as it taxied to the terminal,
the voice of the captain came on:
“Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane has come to a complete stop at the gate and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that cell phones may not be used until the exit doors have been opened.
“To those who are still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your visit to Israel.
To those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home.”

 A woman is driving at night on a narrow road .. At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and loudly yells, “HORSE!” Immediately, the man shouts back, “Witch!”
The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

Moral of the story:
Men never listen, and when they do, they don’t understand one word a woman says.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN.

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Kimber have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he  definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need  to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

…………………………………………………

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

…………………………………………………

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click….. (Sounds of
reloading)…. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?”

Son: “Can I shoot the next one!”

Wife: “You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island.  Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked “Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything?  Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed “Listen, I have a commuter’s ticket for the train.  Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight.  After all, it’s all paid for – why should you pay extra.”

       The neighbor thanked her and got on the train.  As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”.  

      “Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?”

       The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked “would you let me compare signatures – would you please sign your name?”

       The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, “Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate