A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

source: quasi’s mojo

A worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure…

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

On their way to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. They are both sitting outside heaven’s gate waiting for St. Peter to admit them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits waiting for two months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wondered. “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter finally returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” says the couple. “But what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.

“Come on!” St. Peter exclaims. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?”

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.
"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?"
"I’m not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up meeting Colin Powell.
Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That’s easy. It’s me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, And angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!"

can’t eat pork,

swine flu

can’t eat chicken,

bird flu

can’t eat beef,

mad cow

can’t eat eggs,

salmonella

can’t eat fish,

heavy metal poisons in their water

can’t eat fruit and veggies,

insecticides and herbicides

hmmmmmmmm

m

m

m

i believe that leaves chocolate and ice cream!

remember stressed spelled backwards is desserts

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from
Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.  He boarded the train
and found an empty seat.

At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him.

The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow doesn’t
look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this
district.  If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is,
after all, a Jewish district.

But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I’m
the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow .

Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet,
and Jews don’t need special permission to go to Samvet.  But why would
he travel to Samvet?  He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there.

But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?  Aha, only two – the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs.  But since the Bernstein’s are a terrible family,
so such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet?  The Steinbergs have
only daughters, two of them, so maybe he’s their son-in-law.

But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest , and
Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah’s
husband.  Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.

But if he came from Budapest , with all the anti-Semitism they have
there, he must have changed his name.  What’s the Hungarian equivalent
of Cohen?  It is Kovacs.

But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special
status to change it.  What could it be?  Must be a doctorate from the
University. Nothing less would do.

At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man
and says, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr.  Kovacs?"

"Not all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you
know my name?"

"Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, that they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

I got stopped for speeding yesterday.

I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat…

A lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy…so the lawyer asks if the Jew would he like to play a fun game.

The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The elderly Jew doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Jew’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with us Jews..

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That’s no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"