Some guy got divorced and got stuck with his ex-wife’s wedding dress so he’s been trying to think of 101 uses for it. So far he is up to #22. Check his site here.

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff..  Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. 
– Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with… 
– Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids. 
– Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough…
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 
– Martin, age 10 (isn’t he ready for the world of dating?)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. 
– Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7 
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them… It’s the right thing to do. 
– Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8 (I like this kid)
And the #1 Favorite is …..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10 (He’ll be married forever)

Want to play an internet game that makes you crazy? Click Here. The ball does change colors, believe me. I had the time and patience to change it 3 times!

The phone rang in my New York hotel room. It was 1995, and I was saying Kaddish for my late father, of blessed memory, Joseph Jacobovici. I live in Toronto, but I’m a filmmaker, so I move around.

During my eleven months of saying Kaddish, I ended up in various minyans from San Francisco to Halifax. Once I extended a stopover in Detroit and rushed to the basement of an old shul, where I was greeted by nine octogenarians as if I were the Messiah himself. But the phone call in New York was the start of what turned out to be perhaps the most interesting Kaddish experience of them all.

I had just finished a documentary film called "The Selling of Innocents." The film won an Emmy, attracting the attention of Oprah Winfrey, the American icon and celebrated TV host. The producer at the other end of the telephone line asked if I could fly to Chicago and appear with my fellow producers on the Oprah show the day after next.

I was taken aback. This was the Oprah show. The big time. Great publicity for the film, and great promotion for me and my company.

"I’d love to do it," I said, "but I don’t think I can."

"Why not?" the producer asked, her voice betraying her surprise. Nobody says "too busy" to the Oprah show.

"I have a problem," I answered.

The producer’s voice, Lisa was her name, became steely. All business. "What’s the problem?" she asked.

"It’s complicated."

"Try me," she said.

I began the process of explaining to a non-Jewish television producer from Chicago about the Jewish ritual of Kaddish.

Whenever I had to explain this, people never quite got it. I would tell them that I need a minyan, and they would drive me to an empty shul…. It never quite worked out. But this was Oprah. So I gave it a try.

"I’m Jewish. My father passed away. In our religion it’s incumbent on me, three times a day, to say a certain prayer, a glorification of God’s Name, really. It’s called Mourner’s Kaddish. To do this, I need to be in a ‘Jewish quorum.’ It’s called a minyan… So I can’t miss this ritual. If I come to Chicago, I would have to attend morning services prior to being on Oprah."

"No problem," she said. "You need a minyan to say Kaddish. Ten Jewish men. For morning services. I’ll arrange it."

"It’s not so simple," I said. "You may find a synagogue, but it might not have a minyan in the morning. Or the Jewish community may send you to a synagogue that’s open… which wouldn’t do the trick for me."

Lisa tried to be patient. "I’ll fax your flight information to your hotel. You will be met in Chicago by a limo. The driver will have the minyan information. You will say Kaddish for your father."

The rest unfolded like a military operation. The next day the ticket came. Then the limo came. The driver took me to a hotel and said, "I’ll be here at 6:30 a.m. Your minyan begins at 7 a.m. I’ll pick you up at 8 a.m. You’ll be at the Oprah show by 8:30 a.m."

The hotel room was beautiful. I slept like a baby. At 6:30 in the morning, I came down and stepped into my limo. There was a newspaper on the seat.

I could get used to this, I thought.

The driver pulled up in front of a downtown office building and told me that there was a Chabad Lubavitch minyan on one of the upper floors.

When I got there, the rabbi looked at me and said, "So you’re the guy saying Kaddish. I was warned by the Oprah show that I’d better have a minyan."

We smiled at each other. I was really impressed with Lisa and Oprah. And I felt that my father was surely amused. After davening, my driver took me to the Oprah show. I was met by Lisa, a black woman in her thirties. She got straight to the point.

"You had a minyan?"

"Yes, thank you," I said.

"Was it proper? Did you say Kaddish?"

"Absolutely. Couldn’t be better," I answered.

She looked at me with that look that star surgeons have when they come out of the operating room. Or maybe it’s the look that battle commanders have when coming back from a military operation. It’s a look that says, "Nothing is too complicated."

I was on Oprah. She was very professional. I had my five minutes of fame. But all I can remember of that day is the Kaddish.

This story appears in "Living Kadish – Incredible and Inspiring Stories" Compiled and edited by Rabbi Gedalia Zweig, published by Targum Press.

I have been very out of it for a while and i hope to start posting again soon

Click here to find out

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people from all over the world are asking questions about attending. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto; can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton & Halifax ? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe…Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany)
A: No, We don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center.  Music will follow.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m
sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my
electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first
replies ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
But why?’, they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’
he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer.’
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen
Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to
raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to
‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they
didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist
friars.
9.. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this
is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Everybody seems to be celebrating Passover this year of 5769. Will it help us? Certainly has merit if true.  Seems everyone is getting into the Act. 

The Red sox home opener, this year will be postponed for Passover.

Red Sox general manager – The Epstein announced that the Boston Red Sox home opener will be postponed to April 14th …to avoid the 8 days of the Passover holiday…

He noted, because 3 of his starters were Jewish as were his box seat holders, he was forced to make his change in scheduling.

There have been several complaints from fans, who were enraged at Epstein’s Decision.

In fact, protests are being tendered to the commissioner of baseball’s office. However, Bud Selig – Commissioner of baseball will not be able to address these protests; mainly due to a scheduling problem. This has been caused by the family Seders he and Mrs. Selig will be attending.

Also, unable to attend the opener:

Al Gore & Tipper, his wife, will be unavailable as they will attend Seder at their son-in-law’s home.

Bill & Hillary Clinton will be attending the Seder at the home of their daughter Chelsea’s ‘steady.’

In addition, ex mayor of NYC, Rudy Giuliani…whose wife will be busy preparing their Seder.

And finally the Obama’s will be out of town enjoying a Seder at Michele’s cousin’s house, the Rabbi Capers Funnye.

Capers C. Funnye Jr. (pronounced fun-AY; born c. 1952) is a Jewish African-American who is the head rabbi of his mostly African-American 200 membership

Yes this is an amazing country (you just gotta love it)

You have to check out this website its HYSTERICAL!
Have fun!
Click Here!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?     Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?    Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?  November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?    Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name?    Albert
What color is a purple finch?    Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?     New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?    Orange (of course)!

The coolest calendar/clock I’ve ever seen:

1st Line is Sec’s
2nd Line is min’s
3rd line is Hrs.
4th Line is Days
5th Line is months
6th Line is Years
This is the COOLEST clock I have seen yet!! A new one!! Look closely at it!! Amazing!

http://home.tiscali.nl/annejan/swf/timeline.swf

I already knew I was dumber than the fifth graders, now it’s the preschoolers turn!!??
A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which way is the bus below travelling?
To the left or to the right?
 
Can’t make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don’t know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture asked the same question.

90% of the pre-schooler gave this answer.

‘The bus is travelling to the left.’
When asked, ‘Why do you think the bus is travelling to the left?’
They answered:
‘Because you can’t see the door to get on the bus.’
How do you feel now???

 

I know me too.